Divorce statistics being what they are, chances are that either you or someone you love will experience a life-changing break up in your life time. Let’s talk about the syndrome of “married roommates” and how to keep the “Honeymoon Effect.”
Greetings Goddesses & Friends,
My current Essence love advice column addresses a woman who feels like she’s just roommates with the love of her life. It’s easy to see how this can happen when children, bills and life intercede. It’s important to treat our relationships like precious and bountiful gardens that require attention, respect and commitment. Otherwise, they may die a sudden death.
The reader I was coaching in my Essence column actually wanted to revive her relationship. She was seeking advice on tantra as a way to up the intimacy quotient with her man. You can read that column here.
If you find yourself in the situation where your partner feels like your roomie rather than your lover, run to pick up the book “The Honeymoon Effect: The Science of Creating Heaven on Earth” by Bruce Lipton. This book should actually be required reading when we get married. Bruce, a revered scientist, is also the author of “The Biology of Belief.” He brings science into the home and bedroom to reveal how we can always feel as in love as we do on our honeymoons. Dr. Wayne Dyer calls the book one of his favorite reads. There’s no better recommendation than that. Love is both a physiological response and a choice. Grab this book to keep your love tight. Consider this a coaching recommendation.
This post (below) is from a courageous reader who literally became married roommates with her hubbie after the marriage was over. It’s a must read…
“After the Love is Gone” by Jessica Conar
I know that people who think that more than 80% of the families worldwide live like this, will disapprove. However, this is a personal observation of one of the phases an ending marriage goes through.
Love is gone, perhaps. Maybe. Some day. But what I know for sure is that this do not normally happen the moment you take the big decision to divorce your spouse. And yes, if you are even considering the idea of getting divorced, the whole process began much earlier in your head.
The best comparison I can think of is an amputation. People who have had an amputation of a limb often say that they can actually feel the limb on its place for a very long time.
Not to mention that the decision itself isn’t an easy one. The thing that makes it hard everything connected with the big change of your lifestyle. Let’s start with the home, for example. You can’t exactly make your husband leave your home because, after all, he is not a monster who you get get rid of any time you like.
So, okay, “we will live together until you find another place”.
I will say it once again – I know that many people live like this. They create this picture of the perfect family, they sleep in separate bedrooms, they hardly even communicate except the times they discuss some issues connected with their children, they go out and have individually… I can go on and on. And since I don’t fit this lifestyle and don’t want to play the “happy family” game, I have decided to make a change. Another thing that made mi make this decision were the kids.
So, how can you actually live under the same roof with someone you don’t want to live with anymore?
The answer is – hard. Each movement he makes make you nervous. In if you have put up with some irritating habits, now this is absolutely impossible.
I live with Shrek, Quasimodo, the monster of Frankenstein, the Hound of the Baskervilles and whoever other scruffy, ugly and rude movie and book characters you can think of.
What happened to the Prince?
Prince Charming, the knight riding a white horse and the troubadour under by balcony were everything this man was for me once but it has been so long ago that I’m asking myself “why”. Because, dear ones, the ugly truth is that princes do not turn into frogs after we marry them, the only reason is to see the difference is that often love is no longer there.
Living with a person who does not share your point of view is a hell. But living with a person whom you are already separated with, is a torture. And the ones that are affected by this the most are the children.
They are raised by one of the “roommates” today and on the next day the other “roommate” takes charge. The two people who have been their parents now feel absolutely free to express and impose their personal opinion, because now they just don’t have to take their spouse’s opinion into account. And this way you will make your children live not in an imaginary but a real hell.
I couldn’t make my husband sleep on the couch because of his back pains.
So, I took the couch in order to make him comfortable. Not that I have a problem with that, really. But still, what have really happened? I continued cleaning, washing the laundry, cooking and taking care of all four of us. I have been separated with my husband by a common agreement; he has been going out every night; and I am trying to be financially independent.
I don’t really think that I am a stupid person bet, please tell me – have I just officially authorized my husband to make whatever he likes as long as I am still his personal house-maid?
I don’t think so.
Come on, big guy, here is your first lesson of being independent. Get used to ironing your shirts all by yourself! The result? Two weeks with a burnt palm. He, not I. And the sad truth is that I did not feel avenged. I actually felt sorry for him.
What is the moral of all this?
If you decide to have a divorce, make it a quick one. Be dramatic – throw some clothes. Shout. Do whatever you like. But don’t make it the way I did, because it is pure agony.
Blogger Jessica Conars’ big love is her family which she really loves. She works at Muswell Hill carpet cleaners and thanks to that she is living happy life with her family.
Featured photo, George Hodan, Public Domain.
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P.S. Check out this week’s Mommy Noire column where I talk about un-blended families and baby mama drama healing. Hay House sent me a copy of Honeymoon Effect hoping that I would review it but all opinions are exclusively my own.