Hey Rockstars,

In my family we never talked about sex. For issues ranging from getting my period to going out on my first date, I found my sweet and caring mother to be a wall rather than a fount of information. Thank goodness for Our Bodies, Ourselves!

Alyssa Siegel had the opposite experience. Her dad Stanley Siegel was open about sexuality. He came out to her as a gay man when she was 13. Stanley and Alyssa, both therapists, are the authors of a new book about “intelligent lust.”

I found their advice guide, Your Brain on Sex, to be intriguing. The book details how to explore our sexual fantasy life for empowerment and growth.

Check out my passionista interview with Alyssa Siegel.

1. Was it at all strange to write this book with your father, Stanley Siegel? I know that you are both therapists. How did the collaboration come about?

Over the years, my father and I have consulted regularly about our work. I think that our ease in doing so was a natural extension from what was already a very strong relationship in which we talked regularly and openly about our personal feelings, experiences, and perspectives. For better or for worse, there has really never been a topic that was off-limits for us, including sex!

When my father first proposed writing this book, he invited me to be part of it, believing that our different genders, orientations, age, and geographic locations as practitioners would really enhance it. But we hit a wall when we started floating the proposal. Publishers thought it would be too creepy for a father-daughter team to write a book about sex. So I stepped back from the process, providing feedback and some of my own case stories, and editing the drafts.

Still wanting to make my role more visible, my father asked me to participate in an interview on some different themes and subjects discussed in the book, adding this dialog at the end of the book. At this point, the publisher started to see the value of the collaboration and approved integrating my writing into the main content by including an “Alyssa’s Thoughts” section at the end of each chapter.

2. Alyssa, how lucky that your father was so open about sexuality. What did he teach you about men and love growing up? Did you bypass much of the relationship awkwardness and missteps that many of us in less open families encountered?

Great question! I feel incredibly fortunate to have been raised in a family system that did not shroud sex in fear, secrecy, or shame. In terms of my personal development, my father was profoundly open to answering questions and gently checking in with me about my feelings and practices, not in an intrusive or judgmental way, but in order to show me that he cared. This honesty, acceptance, and comfort regarding communication around sex is something that I have carried with me and has absolutely helped me in my personal relationships as well as my professional life.

I think it also made my decisions around sex as I was growing up more informed. Rather than retaliating against something that was perceived as being “wrong” or “off-limits” by engaging in it recklessly, as many adolescents do, I was responsible about it. Aside from this, probably the most important lesson I learned about love and sex was that it wasn’t specific to same sex relationships. When my father met his same-sex partner of 17 years, I was 13. This is a hugely pivotal age in terms of the development of your core beliefs about identity, gender, love, and sex. Seeing my father happy with someone that he had the courage to love despite adversity had a huge impact on me.

3. Women still deal with slut shaming and the converse, prude shaming, where we are being made to feel wrong or abnormal for our sexual choices. Can you please share your thoughts on this?

While our country has certainly made some progress with this, it’s far from being a non-issue. My personal opinion is that this is a form of oppression, a form of maintaining the status-quo of gender inequality. The bottom line is that as long as no one gets hurt, each person’s sexual preferences, choices, and activities are no ones business but their own. There is an almost unfathomable range of desires and practices when it comes to sexuality.

Women should think about, explore, and own their sexuality, honoring what they know and learn about it. Sexuality is personal and private unless you choose to share it. If you do, as with anything else, you just need to be aware that people might make judgments or attempt to undermine your rights or confidence in your choices through shaming but you don’t have to take it on. You can’t please everyone all the time. You just can’t. And I certainly wouldn’t want to. What would that say about me? The best you can do is what feels right to you. Be authentic.

4. Many of us put our love interests on a pedestal and then have issues relating as an equal to this person we have put above ourselves. Why does this happen?

Women have been socialized to believe that they are inferior to men so it’s not surprising that this is going to show up as material when it comes to finding an opposite sex partner. Many women also struggle with issues around self-esteem, which tends to play out in relationships with partners of any gender as well. Specific to putting your partner on a pedestal, I think that this can happen for both men and women but women in particular have been socialized to believe that a top priority in life is to find a mate.

Traditional gender expectations for men (success) and women (husband and children) are shifting without a doubt, but they are not yet even. This can lead some women to miss or ignore qualities or even red flags that are not compatible with who she is. In an effort to maintain this relationship, in part to avoid loneliness or societal judgment, she may make sacrifices or compromises in other areas of her happiness or identity, putting her own needs aside. This inevitably results in resentment further down the line.

It’s also not at all unusual for people to fall in love with the fantasy of a person rather then who a personal actually is in the early months of a relationship. We are full of hope that our partner will actualize their best self, the self we see them having the potential to become. It takes a while to really get to know someone so glorifying them early on is easy and tempting to do. The most successful relationships tend to be the ones in which we see our partner as they are, accepting everyone will have some qualities that bother us but some will have qualities that most likely will not change and then choose whether we can live with them or not.

5. You talk about intelligent lust. Do you have any practical sexpert seduction tips based on your psychological knowledge?

Seduction to me starts with communication. It’s hard to seduce someone when you don’t know what their fantasies are! The other thing I think is important to remember is that seduction should be fun and not stressful. Try to let go of the expectation of outcome and just enjoy the process. Be present and role with it!

6. Alyssa, you write on your blog about attempting to raise a gender neutral child with your son turning out to be a “typical boy.” (I say that knowing full well that there is nothing typical about a child of yours!) I have many friends who have had the same experience.

Yes! I should clarify that of course you’re right. My son is in no way typical. But he definitely is all boy! I’ve played more sports in the last few years then I did in the 30 years prior combined. Having a child is a fantastic reminder that you can only influence another human being just so much. I love that my son has had the strength and confidence to evolve into his own person and to follow his own interests. All that really matters to me is that he is empathetic, compassionate, and kind. And that he is happy. However I can facilitate that, I will.

7. In hetero relationships should women play traditional role “games” such as let the man take the lead, have him pay, play hard to get?

I’m never going to advocate for tradition! Or games for that matter. I think they are a waste of time and set a tone of dishonesty and an imbalance in power which I do not find sexy or exciting at all. But that’s just me. I am all about honesty and directness, making your feelings and intentions clear, as well as a curiosity and interest in those same factors in someone else.

I do believe that it can be fun to act out roles but in my opinion, it should be explicitly stated that that’s what you are doing. Then there are parameters and safety around it, which is totally liberating. A great time to do this is early on, when you are first getting to know someone and determining sexual compatibility. It can be part of the “what are you into?” conversation. Everyone is different. So while some women may love it when a man takes the lead, others will find it to be a huge turn-off.

8. How important is chemistry? Is this the same as sexual compatibility? There is a great deal of talk about heterosexual women, especially black women, “settling” for Mr. Good Enough instead of Mr. Right. If a person with regular needs (no crazy list of demands) is not finding a compatible partner should they just settle?

No! Settling to me means knowing that the man you are choosing to commit to is not the person you would want to be with more than anyone else. Settling almost always leads to unhappiness and resentment. I absolutely understand that many women feel that finding a life partner is a goal and a priority for them and I see nothing wrong with wanting that. There are certainly benefits to partnering and commitment. The only trouble with it is that some women will sacrifice too many of their needs in order to have it.

Don’t get me wrong… no one is perfect. Anyone you partner with is going to have some qualities that drive you crazy. But with the right person, the person you want to be with more then you want to be with anyone else, it’s worth it. And any feelings of anger or disappointment will be short-term. As far as sexual chemistry and compatibility goes, I don’t think they are the same, though they can certainly co-exist. Chemistry is something somewhat instinctual, an energy that is felt. Compatibility is something that you figure out through experience and communication and starts with your own investigation of who you are as a sexual person.

9. The story of Rachel the Bombshell and her self sabotage was particularly interesting to me as my next book is named “The Official Bombshell Handbook.” I am reclaiming the word bombshell with a BYOB, be your own bombshell, movement. What makes you a bombshell, Alyssa?

I believe that I am sexy and desirable. Self-esteem and confidence in who I am as a complete human being are certainly a big part of that. And that comes largely from knowing myself and being assertive, open, and having a willingness to share it. I personally am generally not afraid to take risks, though I don’t think that is a necessary factor in being a bombshell. Confidence specific to my looks and body is something that has really increased for me as I’ve aged as funny as that may seem.

Once you are past your twenties you can’t ride on the youth factor anymore. Beauty and sexiness come from owning who you are as a woman and a sexual being. I also really believe that sexiness is a mental thing. There are many people, both men and women, that are terribly sexy though not traditionally beautiful. Sexiness can be a way of thinking, communicating, moving through the world. Everyone has fantastic assets and attributes, both internal and external. Know what your are and take pride in them. That’s what being a bombshell is.

10. Pleasure and desire are areas where women typically feel shame and guilt. You write about giving ourselves permission and acting with compassion toward ourselves. Expand on that, please.

Women tend to be far more compassionate towards others then they are towards themselves. If we could direct even some of that love, kindness, acceptance and patience inwards it, could really do wonders. There are a lot of reasons why women often feel shame and guilt around pleasure and desire. Many, many women have experienced physical and sexual trauma, making sex a complicated, confusing, and conflicted experience. If this is the case for you, go gentle on yourself and try to let go of expectations while remaining aware that everyone can find healing.

Sexism also socializes many women to believe that their bodies are for someone else’s pleasure, not their own. This can result in a real disconnect from your body and a feeling of discomfort with physical sensations. When you go through the process we describe in the book, it’s important not to judge anything that you learn or feel. It’s all information and should be treated with respect.

11. Your dad says that we can use sex to find the right life partner. How so?

I’m of the firm belief that it’s next to impossible, unless you are incredibly lucky, to find the right life partner unless you know yourself really well. Understanding who are sexually is part of that. A lot of long-term relationships end because of sex. In some cases, sexual compatibility wasn’t there from the start. In others, partners lose track of who they are sexually and stop asking for their needs. Resentment in other areas of the relationship or a general feeling of disconnection with your partner can make people withhold sex, feeling that it is either something too intimate or vulnerable to share with someone you feel anger with or isolation from, or because it is the only commodity you feel you have left. This is often when they become open to their sexual needs being met elsewhere. Sex starts to feel like an issue that is so loaded it is difficult to talk about, let alone engage in.

As a form of distraction or in order to feel desired or receive pleasure or satisfaction, people start to look elsewhere, relying on someone or something else to do the work for them. Sex , especially in long-term relationships takes work, i.e. attention, maintenance, and care. Not only in the beginning when you are identifying compatibility, but throughout.

The right life partner will be someone that is not afraid to talk about sex and issues associated with it as they arise. People grow and change over time and their sexuality does, too. A good life partner will be open to hearing about your desires and interests, remaining curious and open-minded about them. Sex is something that can bring couples closer together, growing, sharing, and exploring over time, or it can divide them apart.

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Thanks for a great conversation, Alyssa! Buy Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life by Alyssa and Stanley Siegel wherever you buy books.

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