“Our moms had Dear Abby and we have Dear Abiola…”
Her man is no longer interested in her. Is it a libido thing?
What should she do?
Let’s ask a man.
(By the way — Yay – I have been loving all of your responses to our new One Man’s Advice column. Brent Reeves rocks…)
My man has lost interest in me. I have known my fiance for almost four years as a co-worker. During that time, he pursued me relentlessly. I wasn’t really feeling him and was kind of seeing someone else so I never gave him the time of day.
Then about five months ago, I was fired and the only thing I missed from the job was him. I sent him a “hey stranger” text and the rest is history. He bought me gifts, wined me and dined me and told all of our family and friends that I was his dream girl. He said he loved me from day one.
We were in lust and love. Some days we made love 3-5 times a day. We christened everywhere we went. It was crazy! With the amount of affection, care, support, and generosity he showed, I threw caution away and moved much quicker than I ever have. He begged me to move in and I did. He proposed and I happily said yes.
Then after about 6 weeks, our energy fizzled to a halt. Around that time, my fiance started revealing extreme financial problems and I learned about all of his baby’s mama issues. Playtime was over.
We now have S about one or two times a month. This is usually with me pursuing him. Lingerie doesn’t work, skimpy clothes don’t work. A bottle of wine won’t work. Nothing does. He says he hates his life and is generally miserable. We barely speak and when we do, he calls me names.
When I ask my man what’s up he says he’s just super stressed over money and stuff. Our libidos are in 2 different places because I still feel ready to go all the time. Now I just feel unloved, undesirable, and unwanted.
How do I get him back turned on? Is he just not that into me? I feel so dumb because I thought I found the man of my dreams. Why would he be so into me for so long and then nothing?
Cold in Cali
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
P.S. You can find my reply and sacred self-esteem and sensuality advice column (here) on ESSENCE.com and meanwhile, I am proud to introduce a new Sacred Bombshell column, ‘One Man’s Advice.’
‘One Man’s Advice’ from Brent Reeves is your love, dating, marriage, and relationship advice from a man’s point of view.
Dear Cold in Cali,
Here we go!
Let’s start with you and your feelings for him initially. You weren’t feeling him all while you worked together for 4 years. You should have paid more attention to your initial feelings and female intuition.
I am curious as to why he suddenly peaked your libido and interest in him.
Did losing your job have anything to do with it?
You may have been feeling vulnerable and needed someone to take you in and care for you. He might have been the ideal candidate for you and your situation in order for you to become interested in him.
You fit right into his spider web even though he may have had some true feelings for you.
It is rare for some men to use the love-word even after 10 years of marriage, let alone one DAY ONE! That should have been a red flag for you but at that time (loss of job), you wanted to hear it from him or maybe anyone who would say it to you. In the meantime, you two are burning holes in carpets and every other piece of furniture and appliance in the house.
(I will assume that you have not found employment because who has time to do it 5 times a day, even if you enjoy it?)
So, 6 weeks after the proposal, things slow down (WAAAAY DOWN). It’s now about you being the aggressor.
I know things can happen, but who goes from 5X’s a day to them hating his life in such a short period?
That’s a pretty big swing without somebody dying. I feel that the spider has caught you in his web.
This was his intent from the very beginning because he couldn’t get your attention earlier as Abiola called it “unattainable love!” Now he is irritated by YOU (not his life and baby mama drama) and calling you out of your name.
LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS THE REAL MAN. The representative is gone.
Abiola made some great suggestions as to what could be his perceived problem with his libido but I don’t think it could be any of the reasons she mentioned except stress and depression.
I think you would be able to detect if it is drugs, alcohol, chronic illness, etc.
If it is ED, then he wouldn’t be able to get it up the once or twice a month that you do get it. Regardless of the cause, he should never make you the brunt of his anger/stress/depression/low self-esteem.
- TELL HIM that HIS behavior is forcing you to re-evaluate your relationship.
- TELL HIM that you are considering leaving him because what he led with was the representative and you see it as a deception.
- TELL HIM you need him to go to couples’ counseling before ANYBODY walks down the isle.
- TELL HIM that you didn’t sign up for this type of life (especially when he led with his penis/representative).
If he is legit, then maybe counseling will work for the two of you. If he was not legit, then it is time to pack your bags and learn how guys can perpetrate.
About Our “One Man’s Advice” columnist:
Brent Reeves is the divorced father of two, a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. and was recently named and “Unsung Hero” by Mayor Emeka Jackson-Hicks, Mayor of the City of East St. Louis by official proclamation.