Alison Chase is creator of the site WakeUpToBreakUp.com. She is also the author of “Dear John…, which she co-authored with John Leuba. She interviewed me for her exciting new venture Pink Wisdom about your relationships and self-worth.
The featured photo is a throwback shoot I did a few years ago with the super gifted JC Photos.
Here’s how it all went down.
Alison: After I’ve been dumped, what’s the best way to get my self-esteem back?
Abiola: After you’ve been dumped, the best way to get your self-esteem back is to get out and live your life. You’ve heard of random acts of kindness? Have not so random acts of self-esteem.
Go dancing, throw yourself a party, have a good time get in your life, let people see that you are luscious and how good you feel about yourself. That is how you get your self-esteem back.
Only spend time in the company of positive people who see your inner beauty and worthiness. Make no time for anyone else. Do not suffer fools gladly.
Alison: Are women different in the age of Sex & the City?
Abiola: I like to talk about sacred and the city. Because I reclaimed the word bombshell to mean a woman who owns her divine feminine power. While it may look sometimes like we’re all having a great time with cocktails many women are miserable inside.
Choices should not make us less happy. Choices should make us realize how bombshell brilliant and beautiful our lives can be. Make sure that your inside is as beautiful and juicy as your outside. Let go of the notion that you have to go to a job you don’t like, to make money you don’t need, to impress people you could care less about.
Be weird. Be different. Be unique. Be original. Be a bombshell. Be sacred. No harm in difference.
Watch! Should I Settle?
::::If you can’t see the video above, click here to watch on YouTube.
Alison: Why do so many women feel inadequate?
Abiola: There are a whole host of reasons why we feel inferior or inadequate. For some this is a family or cultural inheritance. In our society, capitalism has to teach us that we are broken so that we need to buy stuff to fix ourselves. In this arena, a part of it is that we are craving our feminine energy. Forty, fifty years ago, our hardworking moms and grandmas made sure that we could outman any man, we left the feminine behind. So in some cases — particularly in relationships — we are hungry for our very selves.
Alison: Do some people avoid intimacy? Why?
Abiola: Many of us are intimacy avoiders. I have been there. And the reason that we do that we are afraid to be vulnerable. What you don’t realize is that is that when you drop into your vulnerability, it makes you a magnet for all of the love and attention you desire. So don’t fear intimacy, lead into it.
Alison: Do some people feel uncomfortable with tenderness?
Abiola: Many of us feel uncomfortable with tenderness because we don’t feel worthy of love and affection. And so you my sacred bombshell, if you are not worthy of your own love and affection. Then you’re not gonna feel comfortable with someone else showering you with love. In yoga class, we say “Namaste, the divine in me sees the divine in you.” Love you and other people will too. Those who do not will easily fall away. Let them.
Alison: What do you do if your partner isn’t tender?
Abiola: If you have a partner that isn’t tender, it’s usually because you are not tender with yourself. I think that life is a reflection and that many times when we feel like, well why isn’t he showing me the love? Why isn’t he showing me the affection?
What kind of love and affection are you showing yourself? So show yourself the love and affection you need and teach your partner how to treat you. This should be mutual. Learn to speak each other’s love languages.
Alison: Okay, Abiola. Give me a pep talk.
Abiola: Alright gorgeous, we all need a pep talk from time to time. Here’s the thing: that which made the stars and made the you know the earth, would not fail when making you. You are not the one flawed thing in our beautiful universe. This is true whether we are talking relationships and self-worth or just your everyday life.
So hold your head high. There is an invisible crown there. Wear it, enjoy it, smile, flirt with yourself and enjoy your life because you are sacred, you are magical, you are majestic.
You are worth loving. Own it!
Alison: Yes! Is clear speech and expression important in communicating?
Abiola: We’ve all heard the great “five love languages.” In addition, everyone single one of us speaks our own distinctive emotional language. And so rather than talking so much, learn the art of listening. That will improve your communication in your relationships a thousand fold.
Alison: What is the difference between anger and rage?
Abiola: There are a lot of really pissed off women because we are emotionally repressed. Anger is a normal reaction to a perceived threat. Rage, on the other hand is like a seizure. Rage is uncontrollable. It’s when we go into fight, flight, flee and we think that the tiger is coming out at us in the jungle. There is no tiger. There is no jungle. Learn how to fully express your emotions and you will not, my sacred bombshell, go into rage.
Alison: What is the number one relationship advice question you get asked?
Abiola: This is all about relationships and self-worth. The number 1 question that I get over and over again. Is why can’t I leave? Leave the man, leave the job, leave the choice that is no longer working. And the reason is fear – False Evidence Appearing Real.
Stop waiting not to be terrified. Be terrified and take the leap and life will leap back for you. And as they say, when the past calls don’t answer. It has nothing new to say!