Calling all Nerds! Geeks and dweebs are welcome too… Our mothers had “Dear Abby” and we have “Dear Abiola.”
Greetings Goddesses & Friends,
I am excited to introduce a new monthly audio advice segment. That’s right. Catch my “Love School for Nerds” on The Nerdpocalypse Podcast. This month’s advice letter is below. As always, these are real letters that we keep anonymous. (You can also find my advice presently on Essence, Mommy Noire and Yahoo Shine to name a few.)
Jay Jacksonrao is the founder and CEO of The Nerdpocalypse LLC. He is also the host/producer of several extremely popular online radio shows. Having an expertise in movies, television, and other pop culture related arenas, Jay brings a diverse set of viewpoints to any conversation. I LOVE that Jay has a film background as my roots lie in using film to empower women.
Jay is the king of “The Nerdpocalypse.” Focusing on all things “nerdy” from movies, science, technology, comics to the strange and bizarre stories from around the internet. When you think nerds, think Jay. He also rocks “Black on Black Cinema.” Roundtable show where 4 black men discuss the ins and outs of films in the black diaspora. With a touch of humor and a drive for relevant discussion, Black on Black Cinema will entertain, as well as, inform. Jay also produces “Dense Pixels” about the video game industry featuring news, opinionated discussion, the important info on major new releases, and lots of humor from “four guys who know, love, and live video games.”
As a geeky, nerdy chick myself (yes, I’m cross-cultural) I have a special affinity for my tribe. We recently featured exclusive advice from Dr. NerdLove here on the blog. If you have an advice question, please send it here. Again, find the Nerdpocalypse audio advice segment here.
P.S. Here’s the question that we address this month.
Dear Abiola:
I have been seeing a guy for three years. He’s a very good looking guy and really smart. We met during work project and spent two months working together on that project. Once the project ended we stayed in contact with one another. We talked on the phone a few times a day. He’d come by a couple of times during the week. We’d eat, watch TV, play checkers and he’d rub my feet. This went on for about 1 yr. Every time he came over I’d answer the door and he’d hug me like he didn’t want to let me go. I felt like he was really interested in me but was taking his time because he respected me. Periodically, we’d go to events together, for coffee, cocktails and drives.
After one year of this I started wondering why hasn’t he come on to me sexually. Clearly there was chemistry between us and by now he had my total attention. So, out of the clear blue sky one day I decided to ask him what was his intentions? He told me he wasn’t in a relationship but he was talking to someone he’d previously dated and even though he knew they would never work he still felt it wouldn’t be fair to start something up with me so he decided to keep me as a friend. While I appreciated his honesty, I felt that the explanation of his intentions came to me very very late (perhaps that was my fault).
However, I was devastated to learn that he wasn’t emotionally available but I was determined to have a piece of him no matter what. Later that night when he was at my house, I got completely undressed in front of him and we had sex for the first time. It was wonderful! This went on for nearly one year and I thought I could win him over by loving him and supporting him in every way that I could.
Two years later we still see each other on a regular bases (couple of times week) and he is still not emotionally available. I am not sure what I should do at this point. My mind keeps telling me to walk away and never take his call or call him again. My heart says hang in there, things could change you never know…he’s a good man and just needs more time. I just don’t know what to do. I feel if I walk away I will lose him forever and the thought of that makes my head and my heart hurt. I’m in love with this man and I don’t know what to do. Is there anything I can do to win his heart or should I move on (life is short)?
–Can’t Let Go of Love
Dearest Letting Go,
Notice that we re-languaged your affirmation “Can’t Let Go Of Love” into “Letting Go.” Thank you for having the courage to submit your question.
If you were looking for just a sexy-time relationship — like a friendship with benefits, that would be your right as a consenting adult. However, you’ve stated that you were looking for something different. (So, my nerd and geek friends, don’t throw things with the seemingly heteronormative things that I’m about to say.)
Women make this mistake all the time, thinking that we can trade skin for love. You can’t win a man by doing the horizontal mumbo, ever. You also can’t lose a relationship that you don’t have. You deserve much better than to be someone’s Jump Off Jessica or Booty Call Belinda.
This man is unavailable and the bonding hormone oxytocin has you addicted to him. Please ask yourself every time you want to contact him, what is the most self-loving thing I can do right now. The answer is detox and move forward.
YOU are also unavailable – you’re probably scared of a real relationship and real intimacy. Your life is on hold. If he said yes, you’d probably do something to self-sabotage it.
You will tell him: “I have so valued our time together. Look I’ve failed you and our relaationship. I’m not doing that anymore, I understand that you might have to move on but what I need is monogamy – exclusivity, longevity or that’s it.”
- Please listen to the full advice segment to hear my advice with Jay’s. I think that it’s helpful for you to hear a man’s thoughts on this matter. Our consensus was basically to release this lack of a relationship, spend time to rebuild your life and move forward.
No more DWD, Dating While Desperate for you. Neediness is not your birthright.
Passionately yours, gorgeous!
Head over to The Nerdpocalypse Podcast to listen to the full advice answer…
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Featured photos, public domain, Jaleel White.
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