How to Love Like You've Never Been Hurt! Letting Love In... Again

How to let love in…

Hey Rockstars,

Let’s talk about love, bay-bee…

So many of us superwomen think, I’ve got everything else figured out, where is the love? Most of us are not even truly available to be loved. We think that we are but then we keep love safely at bay with love blockers like workaholism, which is really just and excuse to avoid intimacy, and fear. Fear of truly loving and being loved in the ways that we deserve. So how to live fearlessly and how to love fearlessly are really both the same question.

We’ve all heard the saying, “love like you’ve never been hurt.” What does that really mean? It sounds good but we have been hurt. Badly. We are flesh and blood women, not theories or philosophies, and each of us harbors very real pain.

So how do we live to love fearlessly is really what the question is. Because getting hurt never feels good. Rejection can split us open. Leaving pieces of a broken heart in San Francisco, Philly or Brooklyn just never feels good.

The only way to love fearlessly is to live fearlessly because how we do anything is how we do everything. So we can’t attract big bold open true generous love into our lives if we are shrinking and playing small, safe or normal.

We’ve all heard that Marianne Williamson quote. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” But let’s take it a step further. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzo said, “When I let go of who I am I become who I might be.”

We all have a story that we lead with. For some of us it’s a visible or cultural story: I am a black woman, white woman, Latina, Asian, foreigner, light skinned, dark skinned, pretty, ugly. Or maybe it’s your education, social background or career: I am an ivy league grad, drop out, dancer, latchkey kid, trust fun baby, failed lawyer, jaded doctor. For many of us it is our relationship status or mothering status: I am divorced, child-free, I had an abortion, I have 3 kids, I am a single parent. I can’t have kids.

We use these stories to define and separate us. Some of them are righteous. I am a survivor. Cancer survivor. Incest Survivor. Adoptee. Child of an alcoholic. Or a complex. I have ADD, OCD, Abandonment issues etc.

But who might you be without that story to hide behind? What if you woke up tomorrow and couldn’t tell those stories anymore, especially yourself. Many of these stories are hereditary or cultural. What if no one around you knew your story or indulged you in it? What if those puny self definitions simply did not exist? And I mean puny in the sense of all of the wonderful things waiting for you, not to belittle your experience. What if we couldn’t wear these stories as badges of honor? And what if we forgave ourselves for all of it?

What if you could respond “so what” to all of the excuses you make as to why you can’t be who you want, do what you want, have what you want, love how you want? You’re too old. So what? You’re too young. So what? The wrong color. So what? You don’t have enough money. So what? You’re too single. So what? Too fat. So what? You are not enough. So what!?

It’s not that we dream too big. We don’t dream big enough. In matters of love it’s not that we’re too picky. We’re not picky enough.

Take a chance because when you love like you have never been hurt or live like you have never been hurt it’s not about trusting that you won’t fail or the other person won’t hurt you or you won’t get fired or fall on your face. It’s trusting that you will not break. You and I are made of bigger stuff than that.

It’s being willing to let go of who you are for who you might become. I have a challenge for you. Let’s call it the Passionista Challenge. I want you to try to go the next 7 days without trotting out the negatives in your story. The can’ts. The won’ts. The excuses. The “they wont let me.” The “I’m not enough” or “I am too much” stories.

When you say to the world “I suck,” the world says yes, you do, and sends people into your life who agree and affirm that for you. We are all in service. Instead of asking what can I get, ask what can I give and see what happens. As corny as it sounds, instead of asking how can I get more love ask how can I be more loving.

You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Superman is not coming to save you and neither is the prince. And when you get the prince sometimes he turns back into a frog. But that’s okay because you are wearing the cape — and it looks good on you. You may bend but you won’t break.

Put your big girl panties on and rock the world. The next time excuses come at you I want you to say so what. And I promise you that when you do you will be overflowing with love beating down your door.