This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay of The Nerdpocalypse and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman on who is married but also pursued a relationship with her “first love” and is working to mend the breach in her current marriage. Jay and Abiola discuss how to go about this and how to truly move on from her “first love.”

Oh — and you can subscribe to the Love School for Nerds Podcast on iTunes.

Dear Abiola and Jay,

I have been married for 30 years and my husband and I have a wonderful loving relationship. We have one child (a son) who is currently in college. We have a spiritual relationship with the Lord and we are involved with our church and community.

Last year I reconnected with my “first love” whom I have known since we were three years old. We began talking and exchanging texts from time to time. One of the first acts my first love did was to apologize for breaking my heart so many years ago. During our high schools days, he simply moved on and started seeing someone else (who was sexually active with him) because I was totally focused on attending college and I was determined not to be a community statistic of a young teenage mother. As a result of being sexually active with this young lady, she became pregnant. I was devastated while at the same time elated that he was doing the right thing by marrying her. This didn’t happen in my community, so I was proud of him for stepping to the plate and taking responsibility.

Over the course of their marriage, we communicated throughout the years and became intimate on several occasions throughout his marriage. When I finally met and married my husband, we lost contact with one another until last year, some thirty years later. He was married to his wife for thirty years and their marriage ended in divorce. He relocated to another state and has a live in relationship with another women that he has been with for about five years.

Shortly after our reconnecting, as I stated above, he apologized for hurting me so many years ago and he expressed how he has never stopped loving me. I expressed my feelings as well and was happy that I continued to look for him over these many years. What I didn’t expect is that we would begin an affair that could potentially cost me my marriage.

He clearly expressed from the beginning that he was happy with his new life and love, however he wanted to see me. After many respectful text, emails and conversations, our communication took a terrible turn. We began sexting and expressing ourselves verbally in ways we should have never done. I was scheduled for an out of town trip (an overnight trip) and I told him about it and asked if he would be able to drive up and see me after my trip since I would be in his state for another affair two days later.

To my surprise, he booked a flight to go with me on my overnight trip and I was elated. I convinced myself that since I had a double room all would be well. As time progressed, we decided we would be intimate and began discussing all the things we would sexually do with one another. We meant, had the affair and my husband found out. I guess I was being so careless and excited that he noticed my new demeanor.

My husband and I are working to mend the breach I caused in our relationship. Where I am struggling is that he has asked me to cut all communications with my first love. My heart is telling me he’s right and that is exactly what I am doing, however I think about him most days. I feel like I’m still committing adultery and I have a lot of anxiety because of my poor decision. How can I overcome this and move forward. I love my husband dearly and will never step outside of our marriage again. My husband loves me and has forgiven me. He has to build his trust in me again and I need to be totally emotionally released. My first love and I have not communicated, however I hear his voice and our conversations frequently in my spirit. I want to break this covenant relationship, but don’t know how.

Thanks in advance,

My First Love

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