Infidelity in a relationship can be a delicate topic, but we’re not afraid of controversy! Should we forgive a cheater?

Our Contributor, Rose Crompton, debates whether a cheater really can change their spots…

Hey Bombshell,

If you’ve ever been betrayed and cheated on by your partner then you know how much anguish and heartbreak can occur. There are nights of crying into your pillow, feelings of anger, questions of what you could have done to have stopped your beau from straying, but eventually you arrive at the question, “Should I take him or her back?”

Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the coin in this debate, having been the heart breaker and the heartbroken. Interestingly what I considered to be cheating when I was the one straying differed wildly from what the guy who cheated on me got away with.

Trying to define what constitutes cheating is in itself a mine field and depending on how severe you class the action will no doubt help you to decide if you’re able to take the person back.

For some, a flirtatious text message to a friend of the opposite sex is nothing more than a bit of banter, but could be a line crossed in another relationship. Or does cheating only begin at physical contact? A kiss, a cheeky slap on the ass, a provocative dance at the club? Maybe it’s only when they go the whole hog and jump into bed with someone else that it can be classed as cheating?

Realistically cheating probably begins whenever your conscience kicks in and you get that feeling in your gut that you know you’re doing wrong. As what’s classed as cheating may vary from relationship to relationship and only you know your partner well enough to decide when you’ve entered the danger zone.

A good test if you think you’re cheating is with a bit of role reversal. Think, ‘If my partner sent this slightly sexy text to one of their friends, how would I feel?’ If you feel a pang of jealousy at the thought of it, then chances are your lover won’t be best pleased that you’re doing it either.

Without a doubt, discovering that you’ve been cuckolded means that things can never be the same afterwards. A bond of trust will have been broken. A quick Facebook shout out to my friends on this topic, asking if it’s ever possible to forgive a cheater, was met with a barrage of very vocal “no’s!” Interestingly most of these responses came from my girlfriends, many of which had been burnt in the past, so you might think perhaps it’s just the ladies that can’t forgive and forget.

Nope!

A recent British survey of 2,000 respondents, however, suggests that it’s the guys that have a harder time forgiving and would rather end the relationship over trying to work it out. It revealed that 6 out of 10 women would take their husband or boyfriend back if they cheated on them and they wouldn’t just forgive them for one slip up, they’d forgive up to two ‘relationship errors’ as the survey called it. In contrast only 1 in 10 men would forgive their wife or girlfriend if she cheated and would rather show her the door as opposed to finding a way to forgive her disloyalty.

There’s obviously a conflict between what the stats say and the snap responses from my friends. Having been in that position myself and discovering that my (now ex) boyfriend had cheated on me, I was one of those six out of 10 women. After lengthy discussions I found I was able to forgive him and give our relationship another go, because when you can see there’s something still worth working for, then you’re willing to do it for someone you love.

The ability to weigh what you may have all ready lost, compared to what you could lose altogether is an important factor in deciding if you’re able to forgive a cheater.

If you can still see potential for the relationship and there are more good times than bad then it can’t be so easy to dismiss it because of one human error; after all, it’s in our condition to make mistakes and slip ups, but it’s our ability to learn and overcome them that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

Clearly I’m not alone in this thinking. Couples entering counseling and therapy is common place these days as they try to overcome their differences and work out what and how it all went wrong. The Relationship Institute issues guidelines to troubled couples and it clearly says that it is hard work, but possible, to “earn back the trust” and build up a new “safe feeling for both partners within the relationship”.

The question of whether you can forgive someone that’s cheated on you will, as with any obstacle in a relationship, come down to your own unique and personal situation. There are couples that overcome these slips up’s and work to building a better and stronger relationship, having realized that there may have been something very wrong in the communication between the two people previously. It’s tough, but forgiving is possible, forgetting is perhaps the hardest part.

Like I said, I have been on both sides of the coin here and as someone that cheated on a former partner I have to admit that I would never expect or ask for forgiveness. In that way I can see why it can be impossible to forgive a cheater, but I feel no regret for my actions and saw that the relationship was volatile and making me unhappy, hence the reason I played away.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I landed myself in a much happier place, with the most amazing man. Now the thought of cheating would never cross my mind because I love him, but if I ever found out he’d been unfaithful I’d still be one of those 6 out of 10, because I can see there would still be something worth fighting for.

Rose Crompton is a writer for Vibrations Direct retailer of sexy aides and Sex toys for couples.