Katalin Koda created her self-marriage in a simple but powerful ceremony in a Yogini-Dakini temple in East India. According to Katalin, “Happiness is state that is found within. And it starts by honoring and nurturing ourselves, our own unique gifts, and cultivating self-care. We must first fill our own cup of love, devotion, compassion and support so that they may naturally overflow onto others. When we try to give these things when we have not fully given them to ourselves first, we become depleted and can no longer be of service to anyone.
Can I marry myself if I am already married to someone else? Of course! This is probably the most important reason to marry yourself.” Watch Fire of the Goddess: A Ceremony of Self-Marriage to experience one way to honor oneself.
Hello Sacred Bombshell,
If you’ve been hanging with me for a while, you know that I have been doing goddess work for a very long time and also talking about self-marriage for a long time. In fact, I dedicate a special space in The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love to talk about how to do a Sacred Bombshell Self-Marriage Ceremony as a healing ritual and self-worth tool. I am pasting that chapter below, after the jump.
First I wanted to share with you a beautiful video of a self-commitment ceremony. Katalin Koda received guidance to go marry herself in India — and she heeded the call! How often does our intuition guide us and we actually listen? This is empowering whether you are in a relationship or not.
As Katalin says, “Certainly there is wisdom in doing both a private and public ceremony. Often a private one is needed first to get clarity on what vows you want to make to yourself and to build the courage to proclaim them to the world. This public proclamation can be done in front of just one important witness or a circle of supportive friends and family. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Marrying yourself is one of the most powerful things you will ever do in your life. And just as married couples occasionally renew their vows to each other, recommitting to yourself occasionally keeps those commitments alive and potent.”
Watch Goddess Katalin and then read all about it after the jump.
Find more on the Fire of the Goddess here.
Exclusive Excerpt from the Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love
Declaring Your Love for You
A few years ago, the diamond industry made a splash by declaring that women should buy a “right-hand ring” for themselves. The campaigns were in the spirit of “girl power” and showing independence by making a decadent purchase. I don’t know many people who jumped on to this trend, but I’m sure it may have been in response to declining numbers of engagements and the fact that women have more disposable income than ever before. Marketing ploys aside, there is value in declaring your love for yourself. I don’t think that you need to spend thousands of dollars to do so, but if you want to, go for it!
A wedding ceremony generally consists of a couple taking vows of love, honor, and commitment (as they see it) to one another. The family and loved ones of the couple bear witness and the vows are overseen by the chosen officiate. This ritual signifies the joining of hearts, families, and goals. Whether it’s a wedding, a new baby, a big birthday, or the joy of a new job, saying yes and yippee has value. Too often we amble through without reveling in our joyful moments. This is part of the reason I say yes to women having a commitment ceremony for themselves. I used to call this a self-marriage but because we have so many associations with the “m-word,” some women are more comfortable calling it a “commitment ceremony.”
“But Abiola,” you may be thinking, “I am already committed to myself!” That’s great, but more often, for most of us, we feel divorced from ourselves. We all want to be committed to ourselves. We aim to be on our own sides. We declare it when New Year’s Eve rolls around, proclaim it after every self-help book, and then chide ourselves when we fall short. Yes, in our fantasies or in the rah-rah sister mask we lead with, we are fully committed to ourselves. The face you lead with at work, the character you portray on social media is in full love and support of herself. However, the woman you show me privately is the opposite. I see your tears and hear your sorrows when you feel that you were not there for you. I too am familiar with self-betrayal.
I am honored to provide a safe space for you to voice your fears and challenges. I hold a sacred space for every woman reading this book to rise up and become the fullest realization of herself. You don’t need to call it marriage, but you do need to make a loving commitment to yourself. Put your hand over your heart and ask, “How have I betrayed you?” Oh, let us count the ways. You betray yourself when you say you will work out tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. You betray yourself when you sell out your body for the grown-up equivalent of a Happy Meal. You commit personal treason when you give your time and your heart where they are not valued. You are unfaithful to yourself when make someone your priority who only considers you an option. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see is treachery. You want others to love, honor, and cherish you when you have not done so for yourself. You are hungry for a buffet and settling for crumbs.
A commitment ritual announces to yourself, those in your life, and the very cells in your body that you matter. If you include other people in your personal commitment ceremony, you also have a circle of accountability. It hasn’t fully worked out this way in modern times but this is one reason guests “witness” a wedding. If you are looking to move on to the next stage, whatever that means to you, this is a great way to proclaim it. This is an act of healing and self-devotion. This is not about being tired of or “over” men. It is essential for your mental health and well-being that this is pro-you, not anti-anyone else.
Note that this is not just for single women. Our culture likes to push the duplicitous story that being in a relationship is a panacea for all while touting divorce statistics. Having a partner doesn’t automatically make you more self-honoring. I know of a married mom who had a self-marriage ceremony with the full love and commitment of her husband and children. Her adoring family was present while she made a moving commitment to herself.
There was an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie said that she was marrying herself. The episode was called “A Woman’s Right to Shoes” and she was “shoe-shamed” for buying expensive shoes by a friend who was a wife and mother. Carrie’s shoes, incidentally, were stolen at the woman’s house. “Hi. It’s Carrie Bradshaw. I wanted to let you know that I’m getting married. To myself. I’m registered at Manolo Blahnik,” she announced.
The self-commitment ceremony we’re talking about here is not about a party or gifts, although you should have whatever kind of soiree makes your heart sing. Some women have a big Marrying Myself ceremony and party that could compete with any Sweet 16. You can have a full-on white gown wedding with 200 guests if that fits your fancy. It can also be a private backyard ceremony with a few friends – or just you out in nature. You can also choose to register for gifts as Carrie did. It’s fun to combine a personal commitment ceremony with a birthday party.
So will people think you’re weird? Some will and some won’t. As with anything, when it comes to sharing your dreams with others, choose responsibly. Many people are followers who can’t understand something unless they see their favorite celebrity do it. More likely you will be a beacon for the people who love you to strive to do better in their own lives. Besides, if someone thinks you’re weird, so what? You’re a leader, not a follower, right?
Bombshell Playbook Exercise
Complete these exercises in your Bombshell Playbook, in preparation for the commitment ceremony exploration that follows. Take five deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
- How have you betrayed yourself in the past year? Make a list of all of the promises in the past 12 months that you’ve broken to yourself.
- What are your new self-devotion promises to yourself? Next to each betrayal, write out a new pledge to yourself. Be specific. If you promised to do a workout regimen that never happened, write down exactly what you will do for how long with a start date.
- Put these promises together. This is a list of your vows to yourself. Some of them can be funny – as in, “I will watch only one Housewives show per week.” Of course, most will be more serious, such as, “I will only have friendships with positive and uplifting people.”
Bombshell Exploration: Your Commitment Ceremony
First, determine what kind of ceremony would mean the most to you. Do you want to celebrate with friends and/or family or solo? Do you want to be indoors or outdoors? Would you prefer a venue or your home? Do you want to spend money? If so how much? What do you want to wear? Would you like an officiate to be present? Do you want to cook for everyone? Is your pleasure to dance barefoot on a starry night?
As with any wedding, set a date and make your dreams come true. However you plan your ceremony, at some point light a candle and read your vows. Ask your loved ones for support. Then celebrate, celebrate, celebrate! Most importantly, after the party is over take action to become the woman you were born to be. Now you may LOVE the bride. Show yourself devotion, care, and compassion. Congratulations and cheers on being loved, honored, and cherished!
