Real talk… My people pleasing challenges and yours…
Hey Sacred Bombshell,
Like most women, I was never taught to address my own needs or to be authentic. After all, authenticity means that some days we’re giddy and gleeful and other days we’re grumpy and grouchy. It ain’t always pretty.
“Good girls” are taught that no matter what kind of anguish we are going through, we show perfection to the outside world. So I learned to bury my feelings with food and achievement.
My story is common. We’re taught to make everyone happy but ourselves. We take this behavior into our adult lives and wonder why we’re unhappy and our business and personal relationships don’t work.
As a highly sensitive person I am acutely aware of my energy and the energy of others, and being an empath was draining before I knew how to ground and center myself. We are all communicating with each other on a subconscious, energetic level.
That’s the lesson of Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. She learned about energy and feelings firsthand when she lay in a hospital bed unable to process thoughts and emotions as we know them. Without understanding words, she was able to feel every single person’s loving or fearful energy.
If you are happy, you want to be able to dance, and if you’re angry you should also feel comfortable enough to say, “I am upset and here’s why.”
Watch! People Pleasing Begone
Here are four reasons to release your unhealthy people-pleasing ways:
People pleasing kills your connections.
When you’re people pleasing, which is living inauthentically, you’re not able to be intimate with the folks in your life.
If you are not being real, others won’t feel like they can be genuine with you. When you are honest about your ups and downs, then others know that you are comfortable with them bringing their whole selves to your interactions and relationships, too.
The most powerful feeling of love is when you know that someone completely sees and gets you and loves you anyway. You cheat yourself of that if you present a mask. True intimacy comes from vulnerability. Vulnerability comes from authenticity, not people pleasing.
2. People pleasing is passive-aggressive.
People pleasing leads to passive-aggressive behavior and outbursts. People pleasing looks like it’s about making other people happy, but the reality is quite the contrary.
People pleasing is selfish and manipulative. Not only do you rob your loved ones of knowing you, but you also may have a martyr complex.
This “poor me” mentality leads to passive-aggressiveness. “Poor me, look at all I’ve done for you.” You then end up criticizing the people around you rather than appreciating them.
3. People pleasing blocks your receiving. Yes!
People pleasing doesn’t allow you to receive.
Sure you want to please your loved ones, but are you leaving room to be pleased in return? If you’re the one usually responsible for making things tick and holding everyone else together, you may be giving off an “I don’t need anything from anybody” vibe.
This is SUPER important in business as well. Have you ever tried to give anything to someone who’s not receptive?
4. People pleasing is codependent, lovie.
People pleasing leads to the codependency/counter-dependency paradox. Being codependent means that you only experience the world as it relates to others. This is not a healthy way to get your needs met. It’s depleting and the energy will eventually read as desperate.
When you’re desperate, you attracts narcissists and spiritual vampires seeking to feed on your lack of strength. You will attract users who will suck you dry of all you have – and it still won’t be enough for them.
As a people pleaser you may fear not being enough. Your relationships are a mirror, reflecting to you what you believe about yourself. For every passive-aggressive codependent there is an aggressive counter-dependent waiting in the wings.
Having clear boundaries will allow you to feel safe enough to be genuine. The genuine you will attract a healthier crop of friends and suitors than the faux perfect you.
The opposite of people pleasing is being authentic, standing in your power, embracing your emotions and expressing them. Yes, you should cater to those you love and they should cater to you in return. But your Little Miss Perfection is a lie and your true soul’s mates don’t want her anyway.
Let down the facade, my sacred bombshell. With a wall up, you may not let anyone get close enough to hurt you but you won’t let them get close enough to love you either.
Your Sacred Bombshell Takeaways…
- Anyone worthy of being in your big bombshell life wants you to be yourself, not superwoman.
- Catch this: People who judge themselves harshly will find any reason to rip other people to shreds.
- Self-acceptance will allow you to be a fully expressed woman who lives authentically.
- Put YOU first.
- You can’t give from an empty cup and pretending through your tears makes your life drier.
Do this: Bombshell Exercise
(From The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love)
Take five deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
1. Here’s a list of 100 sensational things about me…
2. Here’s a list of the 100 awe-inspiring experiences that I have been responsible for…
3. Here’s a love letter to my phenomenal Sacred Bombshell self…
Stop People Pleasing Library
::::Order the Book: The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to Gain Freedom from People Pleasing and Approval Seeking
::::Order the Book: The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome
::::Order the Book: Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes