This week on my ESSENCE column, a woman can’t get over her husband’s affair with the neighbor, especially because the neighbor looks different from her. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated on someone else? Your advice for her?

This week on my ESSENCE advice column:

Dear Abiola,

A few months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with the woman who lives right next door. It’s been a very rocky time but I chose to forgive him as the father of my child. I know I want another baby and I don’t want to raise my children in a multiple father baby mama/baby daddy type of situation.

What hurt me most was the way I found out. The chick dialed my phone on purpose while they were having sex. I found out that she did it because he was trying to end things. Now I have go see this lady almost every day. She stares me down and laughs when I walk by and stuff like that. Plus I have very graphic details replaying constantly in my mind of every thing they were doing for about two years! My husband doesn’t want to move because we are very close to his job and our families.

I’ve never had any kind of low self-esteem in my life. I am fair complexioned with pretty hair and green eyes. That never meant much to me but I get a lot of attention. The other lady is very dark, practically bald, and heavyset. I have a fit figure. To add insult to injury she is about 50 years old. I’m in my 30s.

I know all men cheat but I can’t get past the why. Why would you leave filet mignon at home for an old hamburger? The whole situation is making it very hard to get through. I find myself feeling depressed because I never thought something like this would happen to me.

I keep replaying the whole thing in my head and kind of questioning who I am. How do I get over it?
Can’t Get Past Why Me


Dearest Goddess,

My sacred sister, my deepest condolences for the death of everything you thought to be true. It is awful when life shifts so unexpectedly, but I firmly believe that you can move forward. Right now, you are knee deep in grief. That is natural. Don’t rush your healing or the forgiveness process. Be gentle with yourself, for you and your child.



Here’s What Some of My Tribe Is Saying On Facebook

Zoe Jasper A little disturbed at her assumption that her worth is that she is younger and “prettier” than the Other Woman. That seems to suggest self esteem issues she didn’t know she already had. Excellent response Abiola!

Ron Ash I keep seeing the same thing Zoe Jasper. However, it’s not uncommon that an American woman would feel this way. I should say, it’s very common for a woman living in America to feel this way. Why? Because the media has tricked women into thinking a man who loves them will only love them if they are beautiful and youthful. Guess what? You can slow it down and cover it up, but one day our looks will fade and all we’ll have is a soul that emanates beauty or ugliness. Men are not all the same. There are those who will truly love their partner for who they are on the inside. When you share that kind of love you’ll appreciate every extra pound, new wrinkle and special moment shared. If anyone is in a relationship that is based on anything but the essence of their significant other than they are living that love on borrowed time.

When you love another fully and unconditionally you don’t risk causing them pain. When they hurt you hurt no matter that type of relationship you share. Abiola gave some great advice and I’ll give you a little more. Take it to a relationship counselor. Marriage is truly two becoming one in mind, body and spirit. You both need to go to a marriage counselor to get this resolved. Infidelity is rarely the problem, but it is a symptom of one. Find the route of the issue and pluck it out like a dandelion. You know what happens when you don’t pluck a dandelion by the root, right? Well, it just grows back bigger and multiplies.

EFT Tapping Rejection Healing

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