This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay Jackson-Rao of The Nerdpocalypse and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is torn between here new husband and their meant-to-be love relationship and her young adult son. She feels like she finally has a second chance of love but it is all going up in smoke! Having to make choices as to whether to help her son with his life or send him out on his own like her new husband prefers. Its quite the dilemma for the entire family. Listen in to see how Jay and Abiola break this one down and give the best advice possible. Subscribe to the Love School for Nerds Podcast on iTunes.
Dear Abiola and Jay,
I really, really need your help and hope with all sincerity that you respond.
I feel in love with my childhood sweetheart in 1979 and even as a child I knew he was the one. I used to visit relatives in NC each summer when school let out in NY and they would pick me up after our family reunion each Labor Day Weekend. He was 15 and I was 12. Let me clarify so this doesn’t sound bad. My parents knew me well enough to know they could trust me not to be fast and do the wrong thing even at an early age. We never crossed that line and remained friends. Over the years we lost connection but it’s funny how our lives almost mirrored. He got married, had 2 children, a girl first then a boy, the same as me. He divorced and so did I.
Fast forward to 2009, I came to NC for my yearly family reunion, after not attending for 5 years after my dad passed away in 2004. We communicated that weekend, ended updating immediately long distance. Our relationship took off just like it left off years ago!! A real modern day fairy tale. We got engaged in 2010, married in 2011 in NC and he officially moved me to NC in 2012. Everything is really going great aside from my adult son.
My first marriage was in 1991 to my son and daughter’s dad in NY. We divorced in 2001. I did my best to find counseling for my son but he wouldn’t talk at the sessions. My daughter never had a problem speaking on her concerns about having divorced parents but I could see my son’s anger. My kids were 19 and 21 when I remarried. They were very happy for us.
My daughter was away in college and my son, who dropped out of HS and working, was still living with me at home. When I relocated to NC, my new husband and I moved my son to the NY borough of his choice since he didn’t want to live in NC. My daughter was away in college. About 72 hours after moving my son his dad moved him out telling him he was only 19 and shouldn’t have to pay rent. I couldn’t believe it! This man hadn’t lived with his father since he was 7. How in the world did he think this was going to work as an adult. I never spoke bad about their dad to my kids so I guess he had to learn for himself.
After my ex learned I remarried I guess his mission to try to destroy kicked in. He served me with child support papers because I had been getting support from him, through the courts, on and off, so he was looking to have it stopped since my son was then living with him and his girlfriend. My son was still working and paying them $25 a week rent. My son was told by his dad’s girlfriend to be ready to move with me after the court date. My husband and I discussed my son’s situation and moved my son in with us in NC. My son said he was going to get his GED, enrolled immediately at the local community college but stopped before achieving his goals. He works and talks about how he never wanted to live in NC in the first place which is why he didn’t move with me when I did.
My son is now 22 and not happy in this small NC town. Occasionally, he’ll spend time watching the game or out to dinner with me and my husband but for the most part he’s held up in his room. My husband believes adults should be on their own after they reach 18, definitely by 22!!
How do I get back to the 1 year my husband and I had? Things are pretty good but I don’t want things to get strained plus I want to be able to “enjoy” my life whenever and wherever like before. My husband said he doesn’t support his kids financially, they are 26 and 23, and doesn’t like having to support mine.
I just don’t know what to do. I just want the life I had with my husband for a year in my new marriage without abandoning my son. By the way, my daughter is 24 and in her 2nd year law school in NY with her goal to stay in NY after she graduates. Please respond. I will continue to read this column hoping for an answer.
Second Chance at Love
Listen to Our Answer
If you can’t hear the audio above, click here to listen on Soundcloud.
Hey! If you’re in need of judgement-free relationship advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org. All letters will be kept anonymous, In addition, all correspondence becomes our property to be addressed publicly, but you can be assured that your issue will be treated with dignity. If you are looking for private advice, the option for that route is coaching.